Wednesday, March 31, 2010
I am so stressed out about this.
There's a lot of reasons for this, but a big one in New Jersey. HOWWWWW do I keep going back? There's benefits, don't get my wrong. My family (well, my parents...I have a tiny family) is there, I have a couple of friends I'm still in touch with there....but it is Jersey: the land of the strip malls, incredibly high real estate taxes (and housing costs to match), fake nails, bleach blondes, and really wretched traffic on "highways" that resemble access roads in TX without the attached freeways. And there's this vague sense of failure at moving "home," even though this time it has nothing to do with me personally and really is a great career move for Princess Charming.
Also, I clearly need a new job to make this work (shhhhh.....I'm not discussing this in my current job yet), and given NJ's current state budget, this is a problem since I work in higher ed and don't really want to commute to NYC from the area we plan to live in (likely 45 min via bus or train, then some subway time, for at least an hour total without accounting for delays and walking...yuck...that's worse than what I do now), so I have no idea if the schools are going to start hiring (not a lot of private schools- i.e. schools with cash - in NJ). Postings have been slow so far, and I don't want to just take A job. I want THE job. OK, maybe not THE job, but something on the right path for my career and in an appropriate pay range for my experience and education. Easier said than done, especially when thinking about keeping our commutes reasonable.
And lastly, I am really sad to leave here. Not for logical reasons. I don't have a bunch of close friends here. I'm not attached to SEPTA. I'm a little sad to leave our house which we've made a good little home, but not super sad (its a 1950s split for heaven's sake!). I am, however, pretty bummed to leave my rugby team here and my college kids that we coach. I am really dreading telling both of them, and sad about it to the point I'm really tempted (well, lets put the job hunt IFs aside for this) to just figure out how to stay through the fall competitive season. I was more reasonable about this before our tournament this past weekend, and am now totally bummed. I spilled the beans to a teammate on the plane, and her reaction was "but, if you get a new job, this is it! you'll be gone after the spring!" Yes, I know that. But hearing it is weirdly heartbreaking. And my two top college players came on the trip (and were rock stars) and I already feel like we're abandoning them and totally letting them down by moving and I have no idea who we can find to replace us for their fall season. I am sad on their behalf sort of, and don't want to put that kind of pressure on their captain. This, logic says, is nice of me but a completely irrational reason to put our lives on hold. We do get paid for coaching, but it's not much, and probably works out to something like $5/hr (I don't want to do the math on it).
I know this is a good thing and good for us family and career wise, and I know things could be worse in a multitude of different ways and that we have it pretty damn good, but I'm still kind of bummed out today.