so what now?

The marathon is in 12 weeks.

We're still following this low mileage training plan. I have a 17 miler to do this weekend. (I know that sounds ridiculous, but I ran exactly 3 miles last week. whoops. It IS a low mileage plan though with a good internetz reputation for running-to-finish).

My whole body creeks.
I am so tired.
I'm not sure if these things are related.

Am I tired from having twins who don't sleep through the night? Am I tired because I drink too much caffeine and eat too much sugar? (both of those answers are probably yes) Am I tired because my potassium is low? (more on that next week sometime) Am I tired because I'm fat, and I drink too much caffeine and eat too much sugar, and I don't sleep enough so I drink more caffeine and eat too much sugar, and circle back around? Well, that's likely.

I realized recently I am pretty afraid of failure. And if you never try you can't fail.
And I have some pretty ridiculous and negative self talk, which mimics my mom in a scary way. And her eating habits, which I criticize a lot. I mimic those too. I never realized how similar my bad habits and issues are to hers until I lived with her for a few months recently. Scary. I don't want that for our girls.

It is time to make a change. Time for me to lose 30 lbs. Time for me to stop drinking an embarrassing amount of soda daily, and stop eating candy pretty much daily.

I'm nervous though. Of not meeting calorie goals, of not losing weight, of gaining it all right back.It sounds like it would be easier not to change than to change and then revert. Then the failure and issues are public, and failure is embarrassing.